3 years later...

So it turns out-- all that emotional volatility, Millie's vivacious but sometimes socially inappropriate candor...

3 year later all that individuality morphs into something of a diagnosis:  Aspergers.

Oh, I know the DSM-V removed it from it's diagnoses and now categorizes it all as High Functioning Autism but Asperger's is still more descriptive.

When most people think of Autism they imagine a child who is barely verbal and somewhat functional but mostly impaired. Millie is bright and extroverted but misses the social cues that are obvious to the rest of us.

Let me tell ya folks- it's been quite a journey but we are just one foot in the door... she's only 7.  It's a blessing and a struggle.

Tonight all I can think of though is yin and yang.  My second child is 4 yrs old and is (as far as we know) considered "neurotypical".  But she is more than that-- she is actually hyper-empathic and she is my life raft of hugs.

Tonight Joy, the second child, had a birthday party to attend. Dad took her, so Millie and I had special "Mommy and Me" time.  Long story short-- we went somewhere that I hate but she thoroughly enjoyed (Chuck-E-Cheese) but at the end of the night would not stop complaining about missing the birthday cake at the party that her little sister got to enjoy.

As I mourned the apparent lake of gratitude and tried to control my indignation-- 5 minutes later she looked out the window and said, "Look! The Moon!"

While I tried to recover the emotional hurt from her complaints despite getting to go out to a rare treat, she has moved on to absorbing the world in all it's glory.

Joy, the little one though, is hyper-empathic.  A friend once told me that being super empathetic has always been a struggle for her- feeling the feelings of others too much. For now I am deeply grateful to have an extra source of empathy in our home.  I know Millie feels empathy but is not sure how to show it.  Joy will hopefully show her the way.  This week when I dropped Joy off at pre-school, there was a child struggling with her zipper on the playground. Joy stopped to help her get it started, once she saw that the other child was ok, she grasped hands with a friend to go play.

So, as Millie takes us on her psychedelic journey through the world, Joy and the rest of us will get a chance to experience more magic than we otherwise might. And Joy will, hopefully, gently lead Millie down the path of learning how to display the kindness, gratitude, and empathy that lies within her own heart but she's not quite sure how to show.  Joy gives the best hugs and most touching gestures of kindness of any child than I have ever seen. It is all suddenly more clear-- For now, we will soak up all the nourishing extra rich hugs Joy has to give,  while we soak up all the extra magic that Millie has to share. Hopefully it will all balance itself out.  Yin and Yang.

Forrest of Bubbles

So we've been told that Millie has a way with words.  Her preschool teacher actually said that her use of language is "unprecedented" in her 35 years of teaching kindergarten. She's 4 years old. wow. We've been told to write it down but honestly it flows like the rapids in a river-- it's hard to get a teacup full to give a sample.  

But here are are some recent examples:

Today we went to the local aquarium. They have a lovely bubble fountain feature that's pretty cool.  

Millie ran up to it and said, "Look Mom, a FOREST OF BUBBLES!!"  Leave it to Millie to transport you from an aquarium with a cool bubble feature- to a forest of magical tall bubble trees. 

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Millie was talking with a friend about how brave she is (no problems with self-confidence here). She admitted though: 

Millie: I don't care for shots.

Her friend: I don't mind. I think they feel like a pinch.

Millie: I think a shot feels like a big shark tooth gnawing a teeny tiny part of me away.  

No wonder she screams like she's having her arm sawed off. Apparently, that's what it feels like to her. 

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A few days ago, she ran off/away from her grandmother while they were playing outside.  She's fast and she flew around the corner of the house too fast for her grandmother to see that she had actually run inside.  It's actually the THIRD time this has happened and if you're the responsible adult-- it's terrifying when she disappears. It happened to me in her school lobby, it happened to her teacher while coming in from the playground and now her grandmother. Our conversation this time went this way:

Millie: I just wanted to go inside.

Me:  But you have to tell the adult what your plan is.

Millie: But I can't!

Me: Why?

Millie: Because I'm HOT like a candle in a menorah and I'm thinking so fast like a candle burning that the words will come out too fast for a grownup. So I have to just GO!

wow. hot like a candle in a menorah. We're not even Jewish. I explained that she should take a few breaths to calm down and slow down, then tell the adult so she doesn't get in trouble or get lost or hurt.  

*As a side note, with an imagination as vivid as hers, I'm reluctant to feed it stories of child abduction but I think I'm going to have to.  Simple request and reasoning just isn't working... She's an adventurous girl and loves meeting new people. Right now her universe is boundless and technicolor and full of vividly wonderful things at every turn. Somehow I have to figure out how to convince her that it is possible for her to get hurt without raining on her Magical Millie parade...*

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She had a bad cold the other day.  We were eating dinner and she said, "Ow! My head hurts," and grabbed her right jaw. We were worried that she had an ear infection so my husband took her to the pediatrician the next morning.  

Pediatrician: Millie, was something hurting you yesterday at dinner?

Millie:  Yes! A pain ERUPTED into my mouth.

Pediatrician was speechless for a moment and exchanged glances with my husband who shrugged.  That's just our Millie. It didn't hurt- it ERUPTED.

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Her teacher actually sent us an email with the following story last week:

Time: Monday 3:10 PM

Scene: Millie and the last of the nappers are packing up their nap things and getting ready to walk back from the nap room to our room. 

Me: Stopping by the room to say hello! "Hi nappers how was your sleep?"

Some children mumbling sleepily "Ok, fine"

Millie: "NAPILICIOUS!"

It was so cute and heartfelt and sooo Millie! She really is one in a million!

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Her teacher has forecasted that whatever she decides to pursue in the future it will involve an imagination and mastery of words.  An author perhaps? Who knows.  Needless to say, three different people bought her blank notebooks for Christmas.  We'll see what unfolds.

*

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Tonight at bedtime, Millie grabbed my hand.  Then she pretended to write on it and touched each finger. Then she said, "This book is jus' fuh you. It says I love you Mommy. It will neve' wash off no mattew how many times you wash it. Whenever you feel sad you can put it on your heart and know that Millie loves you."

Wow.

How do you go from that to wanting to rip your hair out and yell at her for not going to bed after the 5th or 10th trip into her room when she's supposed to be asleep knowing that if she doesn't get sleep she's going to be a nightmare the next day for herself and everyone else- this the dark mystery of parenthood.  Sigh.

The Ecstasy and the Agony all wrapped up in one bedtime.

*

Burping

Millie:  (Burp) Oh. Excuse me. I burped.
Mommy: I see.
Millie: Hm. I think I deflated. (Holding up her shirt)- Look Mom! I deflated like the puffer fish in Nemo!

Millie Moments

It has been a while since we've posted and Millie has been amazing as usual.  It all comes so fast and fabulous that I can never seem to get it into the blog fast enough.

So without much preamble or preparation, I would just like to share a couple recent moments:

1: Millie's grandparents are visiting and it's been wonderful watching Millie and Joy have such a great time with them.  Sadly, they'll be headed home this afternoon and Grandma and Grandpa are a little sad about that.  
Grandpa said to Millie, while holding Joy in his arms:  Millie,  Can we take Joy with us?  Please? 
Millie: NOoooooo. Mommy made her in her tummy- she's OURS.  She's not a Valentine to give away!

2) While leaving for work two mornings ago:

Mommy:  Bye Millie. I'll miss you.
Millie:  I'll miss you too mommy.  Don't worry- our hearts will be together forever.


3)  Millie has reached the age of bad dreams.  So sad, when you rush in the room and her cheeks are all wet with tears.  A few nights ago, I went in as she woke up wailing.

Mommy:  Millie- what is it?
Millie: Mommy it was my dream.  It was so scary.  (She told me what it was but I've already forgotten).
Mommy:  It's ok. It was only a dream.
Millie: Mommy, sometimes I have bad dreams and they make me sad. Sometimes I just need a little bit of couwage. 

Oh Millie-- you have more courage than most people I know. 

Dear Millie

Dear Millie,

You just turned 4 years old.  I have not blogged much recently because you have kept us quite busy.  It has been quite a challenge for all of us.  You have heard "No," quite often and exasperated sighs and occasionally louder moments of frustration.  Three was a tough year.  But, I am starting to see the light in the distance... the warm glow of reason and cooperation returning to your brain.

I thought this might be a good time to let you know that although it has been challenging, we have had some really truly wonderful moments that I wanted to share with you.

Tidbits I:


I LOVE the fact that you giggled out loud in your sleep the night after your 3rd birthday party. You loved the Great Zucchini. 

This year at your 4th birthday gymnastics party, you let them lift you 20 feet into the air on spotting ropes.  You are soo brave!!

You are an outgoing little firecracker who is kind to the quiet kids: At the playground the other day Milie was playing with daddy but there were no other kids. Eventually another daddy arrived with his 3 year old daughter and Millie, who had never met this girl before, ran up to her with arms wide open, yelling, "Hoo-wayyy! My fwiend is heah!!" Although she was ready to tackle this stranger with a hug, the little girl was not sure. "Don't worry," said Millie, "It's just me- Millie. I'll give you a minute."

You love sitting and looking through books for 20-30 minutes at a time... then will hop up and run and dance around like a wild child.

I love that you cheer for the other kids in gymnastics class louder than their own parents.

I love that you laugh easily and love to make others laugh.

If you want to get us to laugh you'll get a ribbon and wrap it around your forehead and sing the theme to Rambo (Dad taught you that).


You dubbed your grandparents "Grandma-Honey" and "Grandpa-Honey" because they always are calling each other Honey.

I'm amazed by how you memorized entire magazines and books word for word.

At 3 years old you were amazingly creative and you will create entire fantasy worlds and give everyone you encounter a role: "Step-muddah? Where are you? It's me Cinda-wella"

I love that you appreciate the great outdoors. You have walked outside and said, with a big sigh and with arms wide open, "What a wonderful refweshing day!"

We love that you love your babysister so much that kissing her is like eating a potato chip for you- you can't have just one. You kiss her head, her cheeks, her toes, her elbow-- anything you can get to before she starts fussing for some personal space. If she's fussy, you try to get her to laugh or frantically try to find a toy for her.

You have so much energy that you RUN every where you're going-- even if it's 10 feet. Sometimes if there's a long way to get there, you'll take it just so you can run farther.

Happy or sad- you live passionately.  It is my goal to encourage your joie de vivre without smothering your passion.
 
Dear Millie, thanks again for choosing our family and sharing your joy and passion with us.
 
We love you.
 

Laugh Factory

Millie has so many funny quotes these days I can't write them down fast enough.  Here is just a sample of magical thoughts and fun with words.

Most recently we've been playing music with Pandora. You can build a great station by putting in your favorite artists.  She often asks who's singing and her response just demonstrates what a magical world she lives in.

For example:
Answer:  Kenny Loggins.  Millie: Wow a log is singing that song?
Answer: Jewel.                 Millie:  Wow, a jewel is singing that song?
Answer: The Beatles         Millie: Wow, a group of insects sings that song?


Daddy:  Millie, sometimes things change based on different circumstances.
Millie:  Really?  Why would circus dances change it?  I can do all kinds of circus dances.  See!


Millie: Diego hidded the treasure.
Daddy:  Hid. Diego hid the treasure.
Millie: Yes. Diego hid the treasure. He is very good at hidding.

The Great Debater

Millie has a lot to say... all the time.

Funny enough, I remember when she was an infant, I actually considered getting her hearing checked because so many babies her age were babbling and cooing all the time but she wasn't.  She was happy. She grinned and lit up if you talked to her but no response.

I had a friend who said, "Don't worry. Be grateful. When she starts, you probably won't ever have quiet again."  She was right.  Millie keeps a running commentary going constantly.

Millie:  Good morning Joy! I missed you so much! I love you so much! Did you have nice dreams Pocahontas yelled happily as she wan down the hall (yes she narrates her narration).

Yesterday I tried to get her to walk quietly past the babie's room while the baby napped.  On and on she kept talking.  "Shhhhh!" I kept saying, "The baby is sleeping."  On and on she went, "That's wight. We should be vewy quiet. Joy is sleeping. When will she wake up? I want huh to play wif me. When is she going to wake up..."

Finally,

Mommy:  Millie.  Can you stop talking for just one minute please.
Millie:  No.  God wants to hear what I have to say.

Well how do your respond to that?  We're not particularly religious and Millie has been to church maybe 3 times so I don't know where she came up with such an idea.  But at the time, I thought it was such a deep thought that I couldn't argue with that.  Later, I thought I could have told her that sometimes you need to be quiet to hear what God wants to say to you... but I didn't think of that then. She sure keeps me on my toes.

Lessons from Elmo

Millie doesn't watch Sesame Street.  She gets bored with it after 15 minutes.  Yesterday, however, we went to a Sesame Street Live show and she LOVED it. The songs, the lights, the talking vegetables.  She laughed and clapped. At bedtime she said, "Mommy! Did you see the talking cheese!" and laughed again until she ran out of breath.  Here I thought that most of these things were targeted to older kids who could remember it. I only bought the tickets because someone else was going with their 3 year old.   Somehow I had bought into the notion that unless the child will remember the event as an adult it isn't worth doing. My earliest memory is at age 4.  Millie is 3 1/2 years old.  The truth is actually that many of these things are most enjoyed by the 3-7 year olds.

We had a child entertainer come to her 3 year old birthday party.  When I booked him, he asked how old the kids would be.  I said, three years old.  He said, "Good.  By  6 years old they're already too sophisticated for my kind of goofy humor."  It was low tech, very silly and he had them in hysterics for 45 minutes straight. Every single kid.

I thought we were bringing Millie to the show to learn about healthy habits in a fun way.  I guess I also learned a lesson too-- Don't wait.  Go have fun with your kids today.  They'll love it now while they are young enough to dance and jump around with giant puppets.  You will have a blast too and maybe, just maybe, you'll both be left with a lifelong wonderful memory.  You never know.

Sound advice

On the way to school, Millie and her dad were listening to Raffi singing This Little Light of Mine I'm gonna let it shine.
Millie: He needs to turn da lights off!

Daddy: Why?

Milli: Because he'll run out of badderies!

Evolution of a Joke

When Millie was just beginning to talk more, somewhere between 18months and 2 years, her father would joke around with her and say, in his best Darth Vader impersonation voice, "Luke, I am your father." She would repeat it over and over because it always got a laugh. It seems like it's been over a year though since the joke was in circulation. Last week at the dinner table though it resurfaced with a Millie twist:

Daddy (in Darth Vader voice): Luke, I am your father.
Millie (in baby Vader voice): I want some milk... I am your daug-tuh.

Introducing Joy

So two weeks ago we welcomed our second precious little girl into the world: Joy. Millie is in love. I had been a little worried because Millie is an energetic little one and she consumes 350% of the attention and energies of both her mommy and daddy. We were worried about how she would adjust to sharing her spotlight. So far so good though. Truly it was love at first sight.

We had our daughter 8:20pm via c-section. This was the first night ever that Millie had been away from both parents. Both grandmothers were with her at our home. The next morning I was still feeling pretty rough around all the edges but the medical team advised that I get up and into a chair. We decided that we would have Millie visit for one hour that afternoon. The nurse technician asked me, "How old is your daughter?" "Three," I answered. She said, "OK, we need to make sure you don't have too many visible tubes hanging off of you." She put the chair in the corner of the room and the IV pole behind the chair. She got permission to remove the foley catheter. I took a fresh dose of pain medicine and after half an hour of getting presentable, I finally landed in the chair and waited for Millie and the grandparents to arrive. We were advised that the baby should be in the bassinet and not in mommy’s arms so as not to provoke immediate jealousy.

Millie entered the room and came right over to me, “Hi Mommy! Hi Baby Sister!” she said to my tummy as she had been doing for the last several months. “Hey Baby Sister,” she said, ready to launch into her conversation. I interrupted- “Millie. Baby sister is not in mommy’s tummy anymore. She’s out now. She’s over there,” I said, pointing to the plastic hospital bassinet on the other side of the room. Millie sloooowly turned to see where I was pointing- then froze. Then her eyes got huge and then in a reverent, awestruck shuddering, voice she whispered “Ohh- ohhhh-ohhh!” while skipping, hopping and dancing with excitement. She put her hands on her cheeks. Her body couldn’t contain the excitement. Finally, she ran over to the bassinet and climbed on the couch next to it. She stood on the couch peering over into the bassinet and said, “Ohhhh! I love huh (her)! She’s so cute! I’m going to sing her a song…” Then Millie serenaded little Joy with Rockabye baby. Then she said, “I want to sing her another song.” She then sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

It’s been a love story ever since. Granted—it’s only been two weeks but so far so good. Every morning, Millie whispers to Joy, “I love you baby sister,” and tries to hug her. She says, “I love her little toes. I love her little eyes. I love her little cheeks.”

Two nights ago she came over to smother her with kisses and hugs and out of the blue she whispered to Joy, “I’ll always be by your side.” Neither her father nor I know where she picked up that phrase—it’s not anything we’ve ever said to her and it’s not in any songs we play. As far as we can tell, Millie, on her own, was just moved to say it. I pray that it’s true- that the two sisters will always be loving and there for each other. All I know is that, so far, Millie as a big sister is more breathtaking than ever.

He's Got the Whole World...

Millie's grandparents are visiting. Millie's grandmother was reading her the bedtime stories. After stories, usually Millie's dad will start the lay down routine. He was waiting in the wings in our room listening for the end of story time and the brushing of teeth.

While he was waiting he decided to try out a new speaker docking station that he had just purchased to see how it did playing the music off his cell phone. Millie's grandmother was bringing Millie to the bathroom to brush teeth.

Following the music, she ran past the bathroom and poked her head into our room, tentatively. She looked over at her father with a questioning look, not sure if she would get into trouble for delaying the brushing of teeth or not. Daddy, waved her in though and she happily scooted over to him. "Can I sit on your lap?" He said she could. Then the song changed to Raffi's "He's got the whole world in his hands".

By the end of the song, she started clapping to the tune and rocking along with daddy. When it was over Daddy turned off the music. She turned to him and hugged him and said, "You are the most favorite grown-up I've ever seen." "I love you too, Millie." he replied. Then off they went happily to brush teeth and settle down for the night.

Early Father's Day Gifts

Daddy hadn't shaved yet and as they sat close together, Millie was examining daddy's beard.

Daddy: I know, I need to shave.
Millie: How will you do it?
Daddy: With a razor and shaving cream.
Millie: Daddy, (touching his face) your beard is excellent. Your cheek is excellent. Your chin looks excellent. You look excellent.
Millie (after another thoughtful pause): When I get bigger, I'll marry someone I love.

What better gift is there, than to know that you are adored, scruffy edges and all?

Sibling Comfort

This morning Millie was employing her most effective and frustrating strategy to delay getting the day started. She actually was all dressed but was stalling on coming down the stairs to get breakfast. Toddlers don't care that you need to leave the house at a certain time. They are blissfully and frustratingly unaware of the fact that the rest of the world is trying to run on a schedule.

At any rate, we are trying to employ a "Love and Logic" tool for behavior management. This is supposed to reduce stress because you 1) give the kid a choice, 2) calmly inform the child of the consequences, and if they don't comply with the choice they made, then you 3) empathize with them and 4) calmly inform them of the consequence. So this morning Millie agreed to come down the stairs after a certain time was up- let's say 2 minutes. After her two minutes were up she continued to stall. I bent the rules a little and warned her that she was about to lose her morning treat (I was supposed to just deliver the consequence immediately). Then I bent the rule further and even gave her a count of 3 to get to the stairs (all stated in a calm voice). When she ignored all the second chances I told her, "Uh-oh. It's so sad. You've lost your morning treat."

She lost it. She was so upset. I tried to hug her and say things like, "I know. It's so hard sometimes. It's so sad." She just snapped at me, "Don't touch me!" Then she would lean towards me or follow me if I tried to give her a little space- sobbing the whole time. She gets so mixed up and conflicted when she's upset. My husband tried to give her hugs and she shoved him away. So I thought to myself, if she is too upset with me and her father to be consoled- maybe she can vent to her baby sister.

She has conversations with her baby sister now several times a day. I have to speak for Baby Sister but that doesn't seem to bother Millie. She'll say, "Baby sister? Baby Sister?" I'll say, "Yes, Big Sister." She'll say, "Do you know how to crawl yet?" I'll say, "No. I don't know what that is." And she'll say, "I'll show you. You get down like dis and crawl around like dis." Then I'll say, "Thank you for showing me Big Sister. You're so smart."

So this morning, I said, "Why don't you tell baby sister what happened?" She approached me slowly, lifted my shirt up and leaned her head against my pregnant tummy, cheek to belly, and said, "Baby Sister?" "Yes Big Sister?" I replied. "Baby Sister, Mommy took away my morning treat!" said Millie. "Really?? Why?" said Baby Sister in shock. "Because I did not come downstairs when I was supposed to. And mommy counted to 3 and I did not come," explained Millie. "Oh I'm so sorry Big Sister. That is sad," said Baby Sister. Then Millie just sat there quietly leaning and cuddling with my tummy for a few minutes until she settled down.

I love the thought of the two sisters comforting each other already.

So generous

The conversation with my belly this evening went like this:

Millie: Hi Baby. When you come out will you nurse? I will be impressed if you do. I will let you have mommy for a whoooole week.

Really? A whole week? Hm- at some point we may have to tell her that the baby will probably be more than just a visitor.

Future Looks Bright

So we are expecting a little sibling for Millie. I am 24 weeks and clearly showing. We weren't sure when to tell Millie, but clever Millie figured it all out on her own about 2 weeks ago. A friend sent us a toddler books on having a new baby come to your house. One of them has pictures of real families. We started casually reading it every now and then along with her other stories. One day as she sat on her own, flipping through her books, she looked at the picture of the pregnant mommy, then she looked at me, then back to the pregnant mommy, then back to me... then she walked up to me and said, "Who's in there mommy?" pointing to my tummy. I looked up and said, "There's a baby in there." She didn't say anything, nodded thoughtfully, then went off to play with some other toy.

Each day though she is clearly more excited about it. In the book, one of the little children talks to the mother's belly and says, "Are you warm in there? Would you like some Cornflakes?" So last week she started coming up to me and saying to my belly, "Are you warm in there? Would you like some Cornflakes?"

This morning while getting her dressed she had a whole conversation all her own. She played both parts: "Hi baby." "Hi big sister" "Baby I can't wait to meet you." "Me too."

I may be a little hormonal, but that's enough to melt your heart.

Perspective

After what seems has been the snowiest winter in memory, our little corner of the world is starting to thaw out. And El Nino this week has started to bring rain rather than 3 feet of snow (whew!).

Still, I miss the sun. I am definitely a Spring and Summer fan. Particularly late Spring with it's warm, but not too hot, breezy, beautiful, blooming days.

This morning over breakfast we talked about the weather.

Daddy: Looks like it's going to be a rainy day.
Mommy: Maybe it won't rain until later or not at all (hoping for some sun and a chance for Millie to run around outside at daycare. Then I wondered what Millie was thinking...) Millie, do you want it to be rainy or sunny today?
Millie: (thinks quietly for a moment) Rainy.
Mommy: Really (perplexed)? Why?
Millie: Cause it will make the flowers grow.

Beautiful. Yet another example of how we could all occasionally use the fresh view point of a toddler. Today the rain didn't seem as gloomy as long as I could hear her little voice chirping "'Cause it makes the flowers grow." Thanks Millie.

Runaway Train

We went shopping for a new mattress-- my neck/back has started aching and my husband's back has been a mess for 6 months and it occurred to him that the last time we both were walking around like pretzels at the same time, we got a new mattress and it all got a lot better. So anyway, We went to the mattress store. It was not busy and there were maybe 3 other customers in the whole store while we were there. We took turns watching Millie while the other one of us would try a mattress. At some point Millie and daddy were somewhere while I was in another part of the store talking about mattresses with the salesman. Daddy told me about this exchange after we had left the store...

Two of the other people in the store were two African-American women who looked like they were in their late 30s/early 40s. One was helping the other pick a mattress. At some point Millie ran past them and stopped and looked at one:

Millie: You have big lips.

I know! Collective gasp of horror, right? At this point, I should point out, just in case you don't know me personally, that yours truly is also African-American. Her father is Caucasian. Now, back to our runaway train...

Woman: (Decides to ignore her and says nothing).
Millie: (getting closer) You have big lips.
Woman: (Trying to ignore her, says nothing).
Millie: (Wondering if she maybe needs to clarify) DO you have big lips?
Daddy: (Watching in silent slow-motion-train-wreck horror-- wracks his brain to figure out if there is ANYTHING a white guy could say right now that would be ok.)
Woman: (Finally realizing that Millie will NOT be ignored, answers.) Yes. I do.

Millie thinks for a moment in silence, then says...

Millie: They are BEE-YOO-TIFUL!

Immense collective sigh of relief SWEEPS though the showroom.

Woman: Thank you.
Woman's friend laughs a huge laugh of relief as well and everyone smiles and moves on.

Hm, looks like it's time for Mommy and Daddy to come up with the right way to reign in Millie's social chatter in public.

_____________________________________________________

That was the original end of the story. After discussing the incident with friends all this raises a few parental hurdles worth working out:

1) How DOES one go about teaching a very vocal 3 year old when it's ok to comment and when she should reign it in. Subtlety is a little lost on Millie. Yesterday at the mall she rode on one of the coin operated machines. When she was done another girl got on. She ran up to her waving enthusiastically and said, "BYE!! HAVE FUN!!!" and the other little girl, who looked about 5 yrs old just stared (maybe even cowered) and said nothing. Millie turned to me and said, "I said bye and she didn't say anything." I told her, "It's ok. She's just a little shy that's all." Millie said to me, a little perplexed, "Why is she shy?" She just has no idea that the world is not always ready for her level of intense interaction. In her mind, why in the world would anyone be shy?

2) How does one go about teaching your kids specifically about race. This encounter generated a great discussion for Millie's dad and I. In general, it seems that imagining in advance how you might handle such a statement, can prepare you to perhaps avoid a very painful encounter. Hashing out the pros and cons of different strategies is helpful. We were lucky that Millie ended the encounter the way she did-- but we may not always be so lucky. A friend actually shared a similar episode that did not end so well and the Internet conversation that it generated. Please see the comments for further detail. It's worth thinking about and talking about it. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Butterfly

I am an introvert and so is Millie's dad. So it's a real walk on the wild side whenever we leave the house with Millie. Somehow, despite her parents, she is an extrovert, a real social butterfly. This is what it was like for me to take her out on Friday:

Stop 1- The Public Library for story time.
Millie walked into the story time room and past all the kids and parents sitting obediently on the carpet in front of the librarian and over to the stack of folding chairs in the corner.
Millie: C'mon mom. Let's get one of the chairs.(I should mention that NONE of this is at whisper volume).
Mommy: No, Millie. Let's leave those alone and sit with the other kids on the carpet.
Millie: No, I want one of the chairs.
Mommy: Millie, you can stay if you sit on the carpet or we can go to the other room (the main library kids section).
Millie: (quietly weighing the options).
Mommy: Do you want to try sitting on my lap?
Millie: Yes.
So we sit for all of 2 minutes then she decides this story time thing is too slow.
Millie: Let's go to the other room Mommy.
Mommy: OK- let's go. (I start walking towards the door. At the door I turn around to find Millie talking to one of the other little girls in the middle of the room.)
Millie: Hey! We're going to the other room- WANNA COME? It's FUN!
Mommy: (Running back and trying to avoid all the awkward glances from the other parents. Like, "Would you please come collect your child?") C'mon Millie- she wants to stay here. Let's go. (I grab her hand and we go.)

In the other room is a computer table with two kiddie sized computers. There is a little boy sitting at one. She strides up to him:
Millie: What are you doing?
Boy: I'm on the compuder.
Millie: You're doing a GOOD job. You're a GOOD boy!
Boy: You can sit here (pointing at the other chair) and I will sit here and we can do compuder.
Millie: OK!

Then they both became absorbed and engaged in trying to figure out how to use a mouse and engage with the toddler games on the screen. When it was time to go, I told Millie we had to check out all the books we had chosen. She was running around but I just couldn't see where she was. So I finally picked her up and put her on the counter while I checked out. She was ok for 2 minutes but then said, "C'mon mom. I don't wan to be here ALL DAY." Excuuuse me, yeesh, these pint-sized dictators. I told her we needed to be patient- which she was for the last minute until we were done.

Stop 2- The Grocery Store.
At the grocery store she actually sat in the cart but she chatted with the lady offering free bread samples. She got two slices and then kept talking about how she ate two loaves of bread in the store. Then in the canned goods aisle she commented loudly,
Millie: Woah- look at that guy on the LADDER. What's he DOing?
Mommy: He's putting things on the shelf.
Millie: Wow, he's working hard! (Waving to the guy) Hi!! (The guy does not wave back) He's too BUSY working HARD Mommy.
Mommy: Yes, he is. Well we're all done here. Let's leave him alone so he can work.
Millie: OK.
Before we left she explained a few of the things in our cart to the guy behind us at the checkout line. Then told him to have a nice day.

Stop 3-- The Discount Home Goods store next to the Grocery store.
Mommy: Millie you were so good at the grocery store, you can have a prize now.
Millie: A book!
Mommy: Yes, a book- any one you want (the books at this store are all under $5).
Millie: (Striding into the store) Wow. I just LOVE books!
Mommy: Yes, me too.
I started wondering if this store had a toy section that might give her incentive for potty training. We're struggling with that one a bit. She found a princess toy set with a Cinderella, a horse, and a carriage all for under $10 bucks total. I figured I'd give her each piece separately for each potty training achievement. She was so excited carrying it to the counter. At checkout she was talking with the guy behind us in line...
Millie: I got a princess and a horse and a ca-wiage.
Guy: Really? That's good.
Millie: The horse is FUN! It says NEIGH and it goes gallop-a-trot gallop-a-trot (galloping to demonstrate).
Cashier: She's a happy little thing isn't she?
Mommy: Yes, she is. Lot's of energy. OK Millie, Let's go.
Millie: (To all her fans at the cash register) BYE (with a great big wave)!

All I'm saying is, if it weren't for Millie, I would have gone to the library, the grocery store, and the discount dollar store and completed my transactions without having met all these characters. Not Millie-- she's here to take it all on and bring everyone along for the ride. ("C'MON IT'S FUN!")I honestly feel like she's on a great adventure and it is our great privilege to be selected for a front row seat.